Having spent a couple of nights in the jungle with my guide and, I was having a great time. The last night topped it off nicely with the presence of Ricardo, another guide who arrived with the English couple. The best thing about travelling, especially on your own, are the colourful people you meet, and this ex-commando in the Peruvian army was certainly that. He took great pleasure in showing us the ‘night club’ in a little jungle village, which was just a small bar with pornography on the walls.
In the evening he told us a story from his days in the army, which may be a load of lies for all I know, but it was entertaining none the less, partly because of how much he enjoyed telling it.
The story of Tula
We were 100 commandos in the Peruvian army. We’d go every week to fight terrorists. Very dangerous, 20 would go, maybe only 15 to 17 come back. Normal army pay is 40 soles per week (about $10), but we got extra because of the danger – 45 soles.
To start with we were all called by number, then one day the commander made us all choose nicknames. Something strong like Puma, or Pirhana, mine was Black Caman. The commander came round, we were all lined up and asked our names. It got to this guy, a big guy who has a big scar with stitches and looks dangerous. You don’t want to mess with him. And he say ‘Tula’. The commander says “What?, that’s a girls name. Choose a different name.” The guy refuses so the commander punches him, but still he doesn’t choose a new name. The commander makes him put his hands behind his back and lifts up his legs so all his weight is on his forehead for 20 seconds, still he doesn’t choose a strong manly name. He makes us all form a tunnel and the man walks through and everyone kicks him. After this, the commander gives up, he’s called Tula.
He would always bullshit and lie about everything. I got really angry because I was in charge of him, I was his platoon leader. Once he said that there was a jaguar in one of our tents. We checked and there was no jaguar. I was angry and said “I don’t mess around, if you bullshit to me one more time, I kill you.”
Now we have to go out in the night, all night in the jungle, and it’s raining but we have no tent, just ponchos. I finish my watch and wake up Tula, “it’s your turn.”
“You’re not going to fall back asleep?”
“No, of course not.”
I wake up in the morning with Tula shouting to me “Ricardo! Ricardo! There’s a snake between my legs!”. I thought this was some bullshit but he kept going. “There’s a snake between my legs, you’ve got to help!”.
I say “I hope you not talk bullshit.”
“No! No! Please!”
“OK, I’ve got a bullet in my gun and I’m going to use it on something.”
“Good! Come please.”
I went and sure enough there was massive snake between his legs. I shot it.
But this guy, he was more than a liar, he had… do you understand mental problems? Do you know what beastiality means?
We nodded uneasily and wondered where this was going…
Near our base, there was a farm, guarded with electric fence and land mines. And the lady who owned a farm, noticed that her animals kept getting killed. Not just killed, but raped, really horrible. Ducks, chickens, all different animals with a hole like someone fucked them. She wanted to kill the guy doing it so she waited with her gun at the night. One night, she saw the guy, she couldn’t see his face but she could she he was a soldier. She wanted to kill him but she can’t because he is in the army.
She went to the general to ask who is fucking her animals. The general got all of us, 100 commandos, in front of the farm lady, and told us about the animals. We knew that Tula would sometimes sneak out at midnight, we thought he was just taking a piss. I looked at Tula, suspicious, he said “that’s disgusting” and shook his head. The general told the farm lady that the army would pay to replace her animals, about $10 for every animal or something. Then she said there were over 20! He couldn’t believe it but still he paid.
The general was very angry now and he got us all together again. Now, every day all 100 commandos had to raise our legs, and put all our weight on our foreheads because no-one owned up. It really hurts so everyone wants to find out who did it.
He gets all the platoon leaders together and asks us who goes out of the barracks after midnight. So now when someone goes to the toilet we wait to see how long he takes. For a couple of weeks there were no more problems, but then the farm lady came back. It was happening again.
One night we see Tula goes out and doesn’t come back. We all go quickly to the farm house in camouflage and wait. We see someone with a balaclava going through the field, he goes slow to avoid the landmines. He gets into the cage to grab a chicken and starts fucking it. We shine a flashlight and he stands to look at us.
“I was just pissing!”
“Get the balaclava off!”
He takes off the balaclava and it’s Tula, with the chicken still attached to his penis.
We went back to the general who was very angry with Tula. But he couldn’t get rid of him, Tula was crazy but he was the best at disarming mines. We need to keep him. He just couldn’t fuck any more animals.
We went on many missions after, and he didn’t stop. One time we saw him fucking a horse, very dangerous. He had to pile up the luggage to stand on so he is high enough. We saw this and for fun someone shot the horse, it kicked back and Tula was hurt. Another time he shouted to me for help “Ricardo!”. I ran over to him and found him with a turtle stuck on his penis. “What the hell?” He said he couldn’t get it off. He put it in and it clamped shut. I mean, a turtle is a prehistoric reptile, it’s not the same, this was really strong. I tried pulling and he screamed. So I got out my knife. He say “don’t use knife” but what else can I do? I try to use the knife and he punches me. I punch him back and he fall unconscious. He just lie on the floor and I pull the turtle. Pop. It comes off and his dick is all shrivelled. It looks disgusting, all patches, like camouflage. He called it his “Little Commando”.
I asked him why he did it, why fuck animals? He said he liked the feel of it, it was better than masturbating. And I know it’s horrible but a lot of soldiers violate the women so I suppose it’s better to do it to animals.
You won’t believe this but I talked to him again this year, and now he’s married.
Thanks Ricardo for the craziest story I heard during my trip.